Dear Sir:Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from the system. I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this system. Can you help me?

Dear Sir:This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities and Entertainment" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfrield 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warning-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPF’s). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for GPG’s. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Plain talk and its Psychobabblic Interpretation

Plain Talk: Boy! I would really love to hop your bones!
Psychobabble: I would enthusiastically elect to reach a penetrating connection with your entire being!
Plain Talk: How about a date?
Psychobabble: Would like to form a dyadic pairing to enforce expansive issues related to interpersonal growth and sex appeal?
Plain Talk: Not tonight, I have a headache!
Psychobabble: Your effort to force premature intimacy without consideration of my fragile ego state and low physical lability has resulted in this hysterical conversion reaction that will soon devolve into a punch in the nose if you don't lay off!
Plain Talk: I love you!
Psychobabble: Because of a history of mutual reinforcement and the facilitation of neural norepinephrine linkages due to my prevalent psychobiological reactivity to your bodily curvature and select bulges, I would prefer to engage with you in a variety of intercourses, both social and otherwise.
Plain Talk: Hello! My name is Bob. What's yours?
Psychobabble: Hi! Would you like to participate in an exchange of self referential nomenclature leading to a progressively heightened plateau of mutual interpersonal discovery, dating, and salacious behavior?
Plain Talk: I think we should be dating other people.
Psychobabble: The progressive atrophy of my unconditioned positive regard for you has weakened irretrievably the positive valences which previously facilitated pair-bonding and conjugal arousal. Thus, I suggest that we escape our personal orbits by following a narrow vector into more satisfying erotic ventures.
Plain Talk: Will you marry me?
Psychobabble: Will you accede to the propitious formality bestowed by jurisprudence and symbiotically join with me in a legal and theological matrimonial bond?
Plain Talk: Before you go any further, you don't happen to have any social diseases, do you?
Psychobabble: Prior to an exchange of bodily fluids, I request that you declare the infectious agents, if any, that thave proven resistant to your immune system, and document the morphological breakdowns attendent with your adherence to a sybaritic life style and too much fooling around.
Plain Talk: I'm lonely.
Psychobabble: The deprivation of socio-cultural and tactile stimulation has resulted in an anomie verging on semi-involutional catatonia that would have been assuaged if there was anything better to do than watch soap-opera reruns.
Plain Talk: What position do you prefer?
Psychobabble: Of all prospective and outlandish physical linkages, which one correlates most reliably with your own elevated phenomenological experiences that have lead to repeated climatic instances of physiological release and sustained jollies?
Plain Talk: I'm pregnant!
Psychobabble: My determined effor to tblock sustained meiosis through the use of specific chemical agents was thwarted when the compound I consumed the night before was misconstrued to be other than Tylenol.
Plain Talk: You are such a lovely person!
Psychobabble: Your regular features and select bodily curvature has elicited perceive ocular fixation, ribald fantasies, and hydraulic pressures.