Clinical Psycho

Patient to Rogerian therapist: I'm really depressed.
Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]
T: Woosh. Splat.

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "

Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.

" "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A patient is entering his psychiatrist's office when he sees an old friend. "Hey Harry", he asks.
Are you coming or going?
Harry replies: "If I knew if I was coming or going, I would not be here"

A famous psychiatrist told his wife:
" I feel down today, I am going to see my colleague".
Wife: " But! you are the best psychiatrist, aren't you?"
Psychiatrist: " Yes! I know! But my colleague charges less than I do!"

A woman goes into to see the psychiatrist about her low self-esteem. She is unhealthy, pale, and obese. After tearfully explaining her predicament, the doc says, "hmm, yes, could you please lie on the floor under the window?" "Now over next to the door." "Now under the bookshelves." "Thank you."

He then occupies himself with writing. The patient, exasperated, interrupts him and asks if he has anything he can offer her. "No, he says, you need to see your internist about your poor health." "Then what was all that stuff you had me do, lying on the floor?"
" Oh, I'm having a new white sofa delivered next week and was wondering where to put it."

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient:
Q. How much is two plus two?
A: Blue.
At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room.
Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally: Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: "Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten."

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him
into his office.
" Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
" Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up
to dry."

There are three guys going through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: What is 8 times 5?
The first patient says, "139."
The second one says, "Wednesday."
The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40."
The doctor is delighted. He gives the guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks how he came up with the correct answer so quickly.
" It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139."

The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now.

So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?"

He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try therapy. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting."thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards. The mans curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence.Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. instantly ,someone jabs him in the eye.As he reels back in agony,the chanting continues "fourteen fourteen fourteen!"

Psychic kid There was a boy who could see who was going to die next in his family. So one night he was praying and said "God bless mummy, God bless daddy, good bye grandma." The next day his grandma was run over by a bus. The next day he was praying and said "God bless mummy, good bye daddy." Now his dad was really worried and went to work very carefully. When he came home his wife said to him, "You know the strangest thing happened today, the milkman dropped dead."

A sane man walks into a mental hospital and see's a man sawing wood. He asks him
"What Are you doing"
"Making sawdust" replies the other man.
"Well what's he doing" says the sane man pointing to a man dangling from the ceiling from a wire.
"He Thinks he's a light bulb"
"Well why don't you get him down" Says the first man.
"What and turn out the lights?"